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|| News Item: Posted 2003-03-02

Photodude: Sideways Monks? It must be contest season
By Photodude

Dudes --

Can't a guy take a month or so off without EVERYONE AND THEIR FRIGGIN'

Whatever. Let's go straight to the ol' mailbag....


Hey Dude,


What's up with THAT?!

Those photos sucked, man. I mean, what's up with the sideways monk?


Dissed in Detroit


Dear Dissed,

The Dude, however reverential he is of World Press (hey, enter five times, get a free book!), does shake his nappy roots at this one.

Let's examine what might have happened during judging of that particular photo:

Judge #1: Dude, peak action!

(okay, we can't argue with that one!)

Judge #2: Dude, Two faces and a ball!

(um, dude, that's two shoes and a BALD HEAD):

Judge #3: Two photographers took this -- Is that "f8 and be there, f8 and be there? or is that just f/16 and be there? or is it f/4 and be there? wait, i'm confused.....

Judge #4: Honorable dudes, let's all agree that the judging in last year's NFL Hall of Fame Contest sucked eggs -- I mean a picture of a dude carrying a flag wins the top honor? Gimp a break. Let's show those arrogant Americans how to REALLY judge a contest...

Judges 1,2,3 (in unison): DUUUUDDDDEE! Totally that's the winner!!!!


Okay, dudes, the next letter is a compendium (I learned that word in
J-School) of letters I received, all with the same complaint. Bear with me, because I had to wade through 46 emails that all sounded just like this:

Hey Dude,

I'm a (Staff photographer/Freelancer/Student) and I entered some great stuff in (World Press/POY/BPOY/SportsShooter/etc.) and when the winners were announced I got totally (Passed Over/Screwed/Stiffed/Completely Ignored).

Could my entries have been lost in the (FedEx office/the Post Office/Email/FTP)? That's what I think because my pictures were (Superb/Awesome/Bitchin'/Rad).

I know so because (my fellow staffers/my fellow students/my PJ prof/ my totally hot girlfriend/my totally hot boyfriend/my dog) told me so.

It's just so (unfair/unfair/unfair/unfair)!


(47 Contest Losers).


Dear Losers,

It's obvious -- YOU SUCK!!!

Heh-heh, just kidding, dudes. You don't suck -- much. But obviously you're no Tomasz Gudzowaty & Robert Boguslawski. And to go to the bother of complaining either to friends, co-workers, message boards gets the dude to thinking -- you all have to get a little bit of a grip here.

So, to help you LOSERS out (and I mean that literally, because, well, you all did LOSE), I've put together a little guide to help you line up your priorities.

"You Know You're a Contest Whore If..."

...At the end of every month you make SURE your clip contest entries are assembled correctly, mailed three days before the due date...even though your rent/mortgage hasn't been on time since 2001, and you pay the late fee on your Visa bill, well, because "it just slipped my mind."

...Thanksgiving, while it reminds most people of the tremendous good fortune we share during the holidays, and the opportunity to give thanks for our health and well-being, as well as the health and well-being of our friends and loved ones, means to you, "Only 56 more days until the Sports Shooter contest deadline!"

...Somewhere in early December, you think to yourself, "I should really do a boxing story...those always do well in POY...and I do need a fourth sport for the portfolio part...."

...You can't for the life of you remember the birthdays of your spouse and kids, but you know the exact deadlines for POY, BPOY, World Press, Sport Shooter, and 13 other minor contests in your region.

...While writing your captions for a contest entry, the niggling thought slips into your mind, "these things are always rigged anyway."

...While addressing the email of your entries, you think, "these things are always rigged anyway."

...While viewing the list of winners, you think, "dammit, I knew I shouldn't have wasted my time on this -- these things are always rigged anyway."

...Your favorite Photoshop tool used to be "Unsharp Mask". Now it's "Add Noise"

...You used to abhor grain. Now you look for ways to get enough aperture on a sunny day to shoot at ASA 3200 just in case of a sudden mid-summer's downpour

...You do a Google Search for "Shaolin Monks in Missouri"


Well, that's it for this month. As always, send your rants and questions to:

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