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|| News Item: Posted 2002-07-31

The Road Warrior: quite places, secret spaces
By Mongo Johnson

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If you travel a lot, the hustle and bustle of the airport contributes much to the misery of your travel regime.

Standing in line to check your bags curbside, while some moron in front of you tries to convince the skycap that his ski bag and boot bag should only be counted as (1) bag (most airlines do count it as 1 bag, but that's not the point)
Standing in line to go through security, while the dipstick in front of you tries to cram his pre 1999 roll aboard thru the template.

Standing in line to check in for your flight, while the butt nugget in front of you tries to upgrade to first class.

Shuffling around the gate area, trying to find an electrical outlet for your laptop.

What you need is a place to hide, an oasis of quiet, someplace where you can gather your thoughts, take a nap, or check your email.


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United Red carpet club, Delta Crown room, American Admirals club, etc., etc.Cushy couches, computer workstations, fax machines, copy machines, land line phones OTA (out the ass) snacks and refreshments. WOW! If you've got an few hundred bucks lying around, you could join one these clubs, BUT beware, ANY gerbil with a few hundred bucks can and do join.

In the last few years these clubs have become OVERCROWDED and OVERPRICED especially in light of the reduction of services, amenities and hours offered. In the good old days (pre 911) you could bypass the main ticket counter lines and check in at the clubroom. Preferential seating,
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comp upgrades, were all perks you could look forward to, but thanks that f**khead Osama, those days are gone. If you're already a member, here's a little insider tip. Hide out in the conference rooms! A lot of times they forget to lock the doors or the night cleaning staff leaves them open.


Many airports have small chapels that are NEVER used but are always open. The pews are nice and long, making it easy to stretch out and snooze. (can't do that in an airport lounge chair cause the damned armrest is in the way) It's cleaner than lying on the floor in the gate area!


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Depending on the airport location, the smoking lounge is a great place to get away from it all. No screaming babies, no little kids underfoot. (if you were a parent, would you bring your kids into a smoking lounge?) Big overstuffed leather chairs, single malt scotches. The wonderful aroma of a Partagas Series D. Ahhh, flying isn't so bad after all.

If you ever have to fly to South FLA try going into West Palm beach airport. They actually have a putting green in the middle of the airport lobby and nobody ever uses it. Don't waste your time using the putters from the bar, just walk next door to the PGA pro shop and borrow a sand wedge. Nothing livens up a tourists day like having a Tiitleist chipped into their soup.


Flying in and out of a Super Hub? Be on the lookout for a business venture called LAPTOP LANE. Located near the gates, these mini business centers feature individual enclosed workstations, with HIGH SPEED Internet connections (T1 speeds or better) Direct dial phones, laser printers, and fax services. A well stocked electronic accessories kiosk makes it easy to replace that cell phone charger you left back at the hotel.

(Mongo Johnson is a former Hollywood stuntman and stunt coordinator. His credits include working as William Shatner's double in the hit TV series "TJ Hooker" and Tyne Daly's stunt double in "Cagney & Lacy". Currently he works as a travel and security consultant to the stars. You can check out Mongo's little corner of the new web site at: )

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Mongo Johnson

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