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|| SportsShooter.com: News Item: Posted 2005-09-06

Photodude: Got mail?
By Photodude

Photo by Robert Hanashiro / USA TODAY

Photo by Robert Hanashiro / USA TODAY

Jackie Chan could play Robert Hanashiro in 'Sports Shooter: The Movie.'
Hey Kids! The Photodude returns from another long hiatus. What can I say? I just don't like you! Kidding. Seriously, this summer has seen me doing some "P.R." work with Raffy Palmeiro, running wind sprints with Maurice Clarett (I can BEAT him!), test-driving Whizzinators with Ricky Williams and piloting Tiger Woods away from Baltusrol on a recently famous Sunday evening. And like Ricky, I'm BACK.

This installment of the mailbag features some golf, some football, and who the hell knows what else.

Bring 'em on!

--------

Hey Dude,

My girlfriend dragged me to see the movie remake of "Bewitched" with Nicole Kidman playing Samantha and Will Farrell as Darren. I could have played a better Darren. Horrible movie. But it gave me 90 or so minutes to ponder this: who would play whom in "Sports Shooter: The Movie"? I gotta have Jackie Chan as The Kahuna, but after that, I'm open.

Signed,
Darren-wannabe


Dear Darren,

JACKIE CHAN AS THE KAHUNA? Who wrote this? Robert Hanashiro? HELL NO. How about Ronal Taniwaki? He's acted like Nikon rep for years now! (cue drums...)

I crack myself up, I really do. As for the rest, how about:

Brad Mangin -- SNL's Horatio Sanz
Grover Sanschagrin-- as Himself (well, who the hell else is gonna play him? Kermit the Frog?)
Jason Burfield -- Jack Black
Joe Gosen -- Vince Vaughn
Jack Gruber -- Brad Pitt
Deanne Fitzmaurice -- Jessica Simpson

Dude, that movie is gonna SUCK. No hot women! What? Oh yeah, Gruber/Pitt will have hot chicks all over him during the whole movie, while he weakly flashes his wedding ring, bleating, "But ladies...I'm married".

I'll wait for the DVD.

(You think you all can do better? Send me your nominations!)

--------

Hey Dude,

Answer me this: Who's the NEXT best woman golfer on the planet? Michelle Wie, Morgan Pressel or Paula Creamer? Personally, I don't care, but they are making a LOT of money for me!

Signed,
Don't Care Foto


Photo by Robert Hanashiro / USA TODAY

Photo by Robert Hanashiro / USA TODAY

Jack Black could play Jason Burfield in 'Sports Shooter: The Movie.'
Dear DC Foto,

You are making lots of money off of teenaged girls? Are you a pimp or something? To answer your question, consider this -- Wie has the most potential, Pressel has the most drive, and Creamer the most experience winning. However, in this Dude's mind, the best female golfer on the planet hits bombs off the tee, has a sweet short game, is soft-spoken, owns a couple of Majors and has the softest budding breasts of any of them. That's right, kids, I'm talking about Phil Mickelson....


-----


Hey Dude,

It's football season, thank god. Here in Texas (Austin, to be specific), people eat, drink, sh-t, sleep, and breath football. Personally, I'm more of a golf guy. But I want to be able to talk football at the many autumn bbq's around here, especially when we tailgate before Longhorns games. Can you give me some tips on how to sound like I know a little something about pigskin, besides how to smoke it over a pit for two days?

Signed,
Darin' to Care A LOT About Football


Dear Darin',

If you're talking about Texas football, the Big Star of the Lone Star is quarterback Vince Young. He's not as well known as SoCal's Matt Leinart, but you'll see -- by Heisman time the votes will be close. Some around the country still don't know his name, but the Dude recently assisted a well-known photographer at the Texas Media Day and EVERYONE was there to shoot him -- Sports Illustrated, The Sporting News, and USA Today, not to mention the publication whom the Dude was helping out. Remember the name -- Vince Young.

-----

Dear Dude,

A former Nikon rep from L.A. tells me you like to play golf. You seem to know everything so maybe you can help me. I LONG to play, but it can be expensive, and with all my camera gear, it's hard to travel with my clubs. I guess my question is, how do you find the time and money to play, and don't you hate rental clubs?

Signed,
Longing from Long Island.


Photo by Brad Mangin

Photo by Brad Mangin

Darren Carroll enjoys a polish sausage at Phoenix Muni before a Cactus League game in March of 2005.
Dear Longing,

Golf is about power and connections, and not the power to hit the ball or the connection of your hands to your hip rotation on the downswing. What the Dude means is this: use your connections as a photographer to help grease your way. If you're in Arizona for the Women in Photojournalism Conference, try to get on at Lookout Mountain at Tapatio Cliffs. Your boss mentions he's playing the Black Course at Bethpage? Tell him it sounds like fun. When he invites you, kindly demur and tell him you don't have your clubs. If your boss has any power, he'll just have your own clubs Fed Ex'd straight to the course from your home. It can be done!

-----

Dear Dude,

Who the hell are you?

Signed,
Darren Carroll


Dear Darren,

As if.


Okay, people that's it for another collection of your emails. Keep 'em coming to photodude@sportsshooter.com

Related Email Addresses: 
Photodude: Photodude@SportsShooter.com

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